I woke up this morning in a mood. It’s a bad mood, a sad mood and a helpless mood. I’m feeling very “what is the point”-y. What is the point of this blog, what is the point of my shop, what is the point of all this hustling I try to do to get by. I kind of want to take a break from all internet stuff but hilariously, I can’t. Well, this blog I can, but not the shop.
I had a baby lined up to start full-time childcare in July, so I limped along all spring, broke as a joke because I knew once the summer hit everything would be ok. Then the parents changed their minds about starting childcare (the baby is only nine months old, the mom was going to go back to work early but decided to take the full year of mat leave after all). They never bothered to tell me so I actually turned down other people who were looking for care, and I only found out about their decision because I contacted them about their start date. They were like “oh we thought you would have found someone else by now anyway.” No, because you paid a deposit to hold the space and I am a FUCKING PROFESSIONAL. Anyway so now I’m totally stressed about money and I need the income from the shop to stop my flimsy financial house of cards from tumbling down.
But like… REALLY what is the point of it? I am not saying I don’t appreciate every customer who buys something from me, every person who promotes my shop and recommends it to their friends, everyone who reblogs my images on tumblr with the correct links for once, because I absolutely do, I appreciate it so much (especially now, yikes). But it’s not like it’s possible for me to make an actual living from it, so what I have right now is a second job on top of my regular job, one that eats up all my spare time. It’s been suggested to me that I could hire people to help, turn it into a real business but tbh I don’t want all that responsibility, and I don’t have the income or the sales volume to support it. Like, I sell just enough stuff for one person to make, so that person has to be me.
This weekend I was actually caught up enough on orders that I was able to work on the brown-suede-with-copper-stars fringed boots I started making for Gwen in like… March, as well as making a felt foxtail for her to wear. It was the first time in I don’t even know how long that I have been able to make something just for fun, and even as I was sewing the tail I was thinking to myself “Should I be photographing this for a DIY for my blog? Should I be listing tails like this in my shop?” The irony in that is even if I did no one would ever buy one, because in spite of my attempts to diversify my offerings, pretty much everything other than the banners has flopped.
I just get so tired of making banners sometimes! It can be so repetitive. I guess my hope is that if I offer other things for sale people will buy them and I will be making different stuff all the time so I’ll never get bored. It doesn’t work out like that though, and I have to ask myself what is the point of trying to make other things to sell if no one wants them? I should just make what I want for my kids and myself, right? But with all the banners I have to make I rarely have the time, and if I do have the time I usually don’t want to spend it making stuff for fun because I’m ALWAYS making stuff for work.
idk idk. Really I should just stop dragging my heels and get my childcare license again (it expired when I was on maternity leave but I haven’t bothered to get it back, and have just been license-not-required since I started working again). Then I wouldn’t have to worry about money and I could run the shop if I want or shut it down if I want. Of course that opens a whole new can of worms because when I think about getting licensed again I have an anxiety attack and want to go to bed forever instead. I just… like I like kids and most of the families I’ve worked with, but I’m so tired of being screwed over. I’m tired of people changing their minds at the last minute, or not giving proper notice, or expecting me to bend over backwards for them and then fucking me over anyways. It’s so stressful I want to cry, and when I’m licensed there’s just so much more opportunity to get dicked around. I just cannot even deal with it. Anyway. I’m on vacation this week (from my real job) and I guess I need to really sit down and figure out what the heck I’m going to do with my life, because right now it is not working.