I’ve been struggling a lot with the worst mom feelings recently, worry and guilt. I worry about how Sym is doing in school and her social life. I feel guilty every time Gwen asks me to take her to the park and I can’t because of work or the baby, and I worry about her speech and whether or not she’ll be ready for school this fall. I feel guilty that my house is always such noisy chaos (also because of work) and not the peaceful, calm environment I want for Nicky’s first year. I worry that my kids are missing out on activities because I can’t easily fit them into my work schedule. You might be sensing a theme here, and it’s no secret that my dream is to “just” be a stay-at-home-mom to my own kids, rather than a work-at-home-mom with responsibilities to other people & their kids. I’ve been so stressed and anxious about what kind of parent I am that I actually started crying about it one night, like full-blown sobbing. I was crying so hard I couldn’t even say what I was so upset about and had to text Taylor, who was sitting right next to me. Not exactly my finest moment! I just…. I want to be a good mom, I want my kids to be happy and successful in life in whatever way they choose. I want to do everything for them but at the moment I feel like after working fifty hours a week looking after other people’s kids I just don’t have enough of myself left to give to my OWN kids. It’s hard, and I’m not sure what the solution is right now.
I initially drafted this post a couple of weeks ago and since then I’ve registered Sym for a summer animation program at the art school, met with her math teacher to discuss her grades, and encouraged her to invite friends over for our weekly “Riverdale Club” viewing parties on Friday nights. I’ve been making more of an effort to accommodate Gwen’s wishes to “go outside” all the time during the week (which becomes easier as the weather improves), have taken her on more “adventures” on the weekends, and after a successful drop-in visit I enrolled her in a gymnastics class starting next month. For Nicky, well, I’ve just been loving him extra (although I did also start an RESP for him, and Gwen as well (finally!).
This past Sunday was my birthday, and I turned forty. I’m not one of those people who FLIPS OUT over birthdays and aging, but it is definitely a weird feeling. Forty. Wow. So strange!
To make my birthday special, Taylor spent months planning a hotel stay for just us with no kids. D’you know, the only time I’ve been away from Gwen overnight was when I was in the hospital with Nicky (when he was born & when he had meningitis), and the only time I’ve been away from Nicky overnight was when he was in the hospital and I was home with Gwen. It was different when Sym was small, as her paternal grandparents live(d) close by and often had her for sleepovers, but I’d never been away from both of the two little ones at the same time.
So Taylor arranged for his mom to fly down and stay over on Saturday night to look after them, but his carefully laid plans hit a colossal snag when there was another snowstorm this weekend. A lot of flights were cancelled, including his mom’s. HMMMM, SNOW??? CANCELLED FLIGHTS??? DISRUPTED PLANS??? DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR??? LIKE THIS HAS HAPPENED TO US BEFORE??? OH YEAH ONLY OUR WEDDING IF YOU RECALL. Snow just wants to ruin my life, I guess, so it’s lucky it rarely snows here.
Thankfully, Symphony’s dad was able to step in and stay overnight with all the kids (and pets) while Taylor and I got a night out. We checked into the hotel on Saturday evening and were able to relax and drink champagne before going out for dinner, and that night I had the best sleep I’ve had in months, or probably years. It was just so blissful being able to sleep without having to keep an ear open for little kid sounds! We came home late Sunday morning and I got spoiled even more with loads of gifts and a dobos torte from the Transylvanian bakery (although Gwen had specified that I was to have a Rainbow Dash cake, what gives Taylor?).
It was such a great weekend and I feel so happy, relaxed and rejuvenated, and ready to dive back into real life. Thank you to everyone for the birthday wishes, all my friends and family and especially my husband who made my birthday weekend such a treat.
Happy Friday! It is my birthday weekend and Taylor has something??? planned??? that he is keeping a surprise, which is exciting. It’s also SUPER SNOWY out again! I felt pretty dumb buying Gwen a snow suit & boots this winter but I’m so glad I got them.
The second Charlotte Holmes novel by Brittany Cavallaro (I KNOW HER), The Last of August, is coming out in less than two weeks! I have mine preordered already and I can’t wait.
When Gwen saw this playhouse she said “Aw Nicky like to go in it with me too, soon!” so I guess I have to buy it now?
Nicky was actually four months old two days ago on January 30th. I was waiting to post this because he had a doctor’s appointment today (4 month shots, VACCINATE YOUR KIDS OK) and I wanted his height & weight. He weighs 6.872kg and is 69cm tall, putting him right in the 50% percentile for weight but over the 95th percentile for height (no surprises there).
At four months he is really into cramming things in his mouth. He is low-key teething so anything that can be chewed will be chewed, and the floods of drool never cease. He actually loves all the teethers I made for him so I can totally justify all the beads I bought, haha. He loves snuggling and being bounced in your lap, and he loves his Skip Hop play gym (especially knocking it over on himself). He likes playing peekaboo, loves his sisters, and sleeps well through the night in his crib (although recently he’s been staying up late and pooping all evening, followed by a big sleep in the next morning). His eyes are very blue and in a surprise twist his hair is BLOND. Both girls had much darker/longer hair at this age but he has cute little yellow baby chicken fluff on his head. I was very blonde as a child so maybe in this sense he’ll take after me.
Gwen chose his outfit for picture day, and when I was editing these she came over and said “Awwww, it’s Nicky! I love him.” Such a sweet girl!