Today is my first day back at work after vacation, which is GREAT because I think I’ve reached the can’t-sleep-and-when-I-can-I-have-weird-dreams portion of the pregnancy. After tossing and turning for hours I finally drifted off, only to have what was clearly a baby anxiety dream: I dreamt I had triplets, and they were so tiny and fragile that they were in the hospital for weeks or months and I was so scared they were going to die I couldn’t bring myself to visit with them. What a crummy dream!
I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m really struggling right now because I’m in this super cock-blocked version of nesting mode right now, and it’s getting worse. I JUST WANT TO MAKE MY BABY’S ROOM HAPPEN, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK??? Unfortunately it’s three more weeks before I can buy the furniture and set it up, although I’m hoping to paint sometimes before then. In the meantime I’ve been busying myself by moving things in and out of my storage room, getting on the case of people whose stuff I’m storing to clear it out (I NEED THE SPACE), and sorting through the boxes and boxes of baby clothes people have started giving me. I’ve unboxed, separated, washed and reboxed I-don’t-know how many tiny onesies and pajamas and suits.
This is the first outfit I bought for Sym. I was super poor back then and almost all the clothes and things we had for her were bought by someone else. The other week when I unpacked this little ghostie suit I was dismayed to find that the white shirt had ten-year-old spit-up stains on the front, but after a 20 hour soak in OxiClean, it’s as good as new!
I’ve also signed Taylor & I up for a prenatal class, figured out when to take the maternity ward tour, and have been reading up on the hospital where I’ll be giving birth. It’s actually the same place I had Sym, but back then I was like this science dog about childbirth:
I didn’t pack a bag, I didn’t have a plan, I didn’t even take prenatal classes. Basically my water broke and I just wandered over there and was like WELP I’M HERE, NOW WHAT? I also didn’t know to advocate for myself and although I feel like my delivery was great and went just how I wanted, the aftermath was kind of a bummer. The nurses there are very, VERY pro-breastfeeding, which is awesome…. if you don’t have extensive damage and scarring from a breast reduction that make you incapable of doing it. Some people in my position are able to breastfed just fine, and I tried, I really did, but once it became obvious it wasn’t going to happen and I wanted to stop and give my crying, hungry baby a bottle…. well, they made me feel like shit. I felt really judged and looked-down-upon, and that’s something I’d really like to avoid this time. I’m considering writing up a short paragraph about my situation and printing out a bunch of copies to hand out to everyone and anyone who mentions breastfeeding to me. Is that weird? I mean I haven’t had strangers come up to me on the street yet and start lecturing me about how ~breast is best~ (OH REALLY? WOW, THANK YOU FOR THE BRAND NEW INFORMATION) but just last week I had a salesperson in a maternity store repeatedly pressure me to take advantage of their buy-three-get-one-free nursing bra sale and it made me feel really awkward.
Not being able to breastfeed at all means I have a bunch more decisions to make before Baby Laramie arrives. I need to pick bottles and formula and all the other accoutrements. Do I need a bottle warmer? What about a strange baby-espresso machine that heats and mixes the formula for you? Or maybe kettle that warms the water to the perfect temperature and keeps it there all day? I don’t know! I’ve been trying to research things and everything sounds awesome until you read the customer reviews, and then everything sounds terrible. Of course, you really have to take reviews with a grain of salt because I feel like a lot of the people who leave them are barely a step above youtube commenters. I read a review of a bottle warmer where the reviewer gave it one star and said she wouldn’t recommend it to a friend, because she exclusively breastfed her baby and therefore never used the bottle warmer. WOW WHAT A HELPFUL REVIEW, OH PRIVILEGED ONE. Honestly, why even bother?
Luckily for me, a lot of the women in my internet discussion group of amazing ladies have been having babies recently, so I have them to turn to for advice. I’ve decided to go with these fancy-schmancy Lifefactory bottles.
I could say it’s because they are glass and no weird chemical leaching from plastic and blah blah blah but I’m gonna be real here and say it’s because they are cute. They are cute and they look cool and come in a rainbow of colours! SUE ME I LIKE CUTE RAINBOW THINGS. I also like cute plant things, which is why last week I bought this Boon Lawn Bottle Drying Rack. You can get flowers to put in it that hold the nipples and rings! I’m dying from cuteness!
Of course I still don’t know what I’m going to actually put IN the bottles and therefore IN my baby. I’ll probably end up going with whichever brand of baby formula has the cutest label, like I doubt they are all that different from one another and I can’t imagine there’s anywhere (on the internet especially) where I’ll find helpful reviews.
please note: I know women who breastfeed their babies have all kind of problems with people judging them too, like creepily sexualizing it, making rude comments, etc, and I think all that sucks too. This blog, though, is about me and my experiences, and in my experience a lot people, ESPECIALLY women, look the hell down on you for formula feeding, regardless of your reasons. Basically my feelings are this: BABIES GOTTA EAT, and no matter how or when a parent chooses to feed their baby you have to respect that choice (unless it’s one of those weird situations where they are feeding a newborn some weird homemade concoction of like, sticks and nutmilk and it starves to death, but if the baby starves that’s not really feeding them, is it?) because in the end, it’s NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS.