After the patheticness that was Mother’s Day I was feeling pretty down about motherhood, and that quickly spread through my system until I was feeling down about MY ENTIRE LIFE and it JUST KEPT GETTING WORSE. I felt like no one appreciated me because I wasn’t worth appreciating. I felt unhappy with my appearance and my body but too miserable to do anything about it. I felt old; I felt sad.
Last Wednesday I walked around the Seawall to meet Taylor like I normally do. I thought it might rain and be cold down by the water so instead of my nylon pullover jacket I brought my waterproof raincoat & wore a hoodie. IT WAS A HUGE MISTAKE. It didn’t rain and it wasn’t cold, but I was just wearing leggings and an old maternity tank with a grease-stain on it (lovely) so I kept the hoodie on, but even unzipped it was still too warm and I was sweltering. As I came off the Seawall and was passing the stadium I saw these two girls walking across the parking lot, and they looked SO GREAT. Perfect hair, stunning faces, flawless outfits.
Normally I feel pretty alright about my appearance but when I saw them I flet like a slovenly blob and reflexively sucked in my stomach. Then, HORROR OF HORRORS, they came over and talked to me. Fucking fantastic, please let me get an up close look of how amazing you are, ladies. As I walked away I wiped my hand over my face and it came away all sweaty. and a few blocks later I caught sight of my reflection and I looked like a red-face, shabby, bloated bag of rags with frayed, tatty hair. I looked like the scene in Away We Go when Verona says the women in the pregnancy workout video look like The California Raisins. I looked bad to me and it made me feel bad.
After that I tried to pull myself out of it. I spent some ~me time~ pampering myself and indulged in some retail therapy. I came up with ideas for new creative projects to keep me from feeling stagnant. I tired to stay positive.
Then today something happened (I’m not going to get into it, it’ll just make me sound petulant when it’s all just about THE PRINCIPLE, blah blah blah whatever who cares) that brought back all the original sad, shitty feelings from last week. I cried and laid in bed and cried some more, although I didn’t even have the luxury of actually having a real, good cry because I still had Gwen to deal with. Now I just feel sad and hollow and just like… what is the point?
Well? What is it?