The Ocean


I have a lot of feelings right now, about myself and my body and how useless it is becoming in the wake of this illness, but I can’t find the words to express myself. I just really, really wish I could go back to two months ago when nothing was wrong.

On Monday Taylor and I walked around Stanley Park on the Seawall for the first time since before I got sick, and afterwards I couldn’t do anything but lie on the couch and feel sad. I’m just so weak now, weak in a weird way where my arms feel like they aren’t there and my legs can’t lift themselves anymore. I have this idea that I’m going to keep living my life the way I always have and not let this disease get the better of me, but I literally just can’t. My body won’t let me, my body betrayed me.

I don’t know what to do.


8 Replies to “The Ocean”

  1. I’m sorry you’re going through this bb, I wish I had words to make you feel better. I’ve felt the way you’re feeling on and off for ten years now and some days you’re like I’M STRONG AND I CAN GET THROUGH ANYTHING and other days it’s like what is even the point I literally cannot go on with this body anymore. If you ever need to talk or vent I’m around <3

  2. Oh, Tan, I am so sad that you are feeling this way. I guess you just have to keep on keeping on and hope you will be better soon. And you have Taylor and Sym and little Gwen and me, and about a zillion friends who care about you and want you to get well.

    Anyway, I’m thinking of you all the time. XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  3. I am sure you will learn to read your body better and small adjustments will stop you getting completely wiped out without having to make major changes to your life. It’s all new to you and your body at the minute.x

  4. ilu tanie i know you’re going to get through this, but that doesnt make it suck any less. sending hugs your way

  5. Been thinking about this post since I read it yesterday… I wish I could say something to help, but I also thought it wasn’t really my place to give you any sort of advice when I haven’t really been in a similar situation. I guess the only thing I can say is that bodies are annoying and do shit that betrays us, and we have to overcome it mentally, and if anyone is capable of ‘winning’ this mind-body battle, it’s you because you’re one of the most strong-willed people I’ve ever met. But also it’s ok sometimes to just want to lie there and be depressed, and I guess it’s good that you have a lot of cute animals and people around you to help you through those moments.

  6. i just wanted to give you my support. you are strong and beautiful and have a wonderful support system and even though some days are so hard, i believe in you <3

  7. Hey Tanie, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I have Hashimoto’s which is the opposite autoimmune thyroid disease (although many people now believe they’re related) and I understand how much havoc it wreaks on your life.

    I recommend this book: It’s mostly focused on hypothyroid symptoms as opposed to hyperthyroidism, but it does explain a lot about the different factors that contribute to thyroid disease and will help you understand thyroid disease in general a bit better (because doctors sure don’t). I’ve completely gotten my life back because of that book, so I really recommend it for anyone with thyroid problems.

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